you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
