I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize