my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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