What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize