Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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