she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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