I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
