Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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