Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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