the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm getting married
To pizza
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
