Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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