Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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