It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
