The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
