made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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