I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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