Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I don't deserve a penis
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
