remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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