She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
