My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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