return my video game
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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