She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
