Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize