apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
