mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
