I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
