Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
should my penis look like a turkey
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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