grandma shit on top of the toilet
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
