You can't special order awesome
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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