Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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