About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
