In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
