I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
