He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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