i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
