I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
