Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
