i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
