Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
