He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
