woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
honey bunches of taint.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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