fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
