Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
