Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
