I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
