I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
