y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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