She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
