I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
