We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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