That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
