paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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