My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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