OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
