Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
