Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
